So i caved to the pressure of my friends and joined plentyoffish.com. so far it has been a complete shitshow. some of the guys are probably not insane, but are totally boring. some of them are sad and make me sad and i can't really think about it for too long.
And then there's the dudes that are so motherfucking creepy and weird that i had to let ya'll in on the magic.
Psycho #1
(after he tells me how gorgeous I am and pretends he’s 34 even though he clearly looks 50.)
"The proposal is this:
If you are still waiting for Mr. Right, then, in the mean time, would you not want to spend magical time with this Mr. Right Now - who will stimulate your mind, raise your spirits, and pleasure your body skillfully and caringly?
If you find this proposal unwelcome, then please disregard this message with my apologies. I will not bother you again.
But….if this proposal intrigues you even a little – well then read on!!
When I arrive in the Bay area, I would like to take you out for the first of what will surely be many dates..…and on the menu: lively conversation, fine wine, exotic food and …
If all goes well and we have a good connection, then I envision us getting closer as the evening progresses and who knows – perhaps even a beautiful, erotic and satisfying night making love with the promises of many more. I am a lively companion and an interesting conversationalist. I am also a good kisser, am very skilled at giving pleasure in all different ways – including giving massages and oral. I am skilled at finding that elusive g-spot and if you like satisfying, deep and long lasting penetration, sign me up! (I can attest that those Kegels definitely work)!"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Save your dirtbag prostitution requests for craigslist casual encounters you narcissistic douchebag. I mean don't get me wrong, i like satisfying, deep and long lasting penetration as much as the next girl, but i definitely don't want it from some aging Bostonite in town on business who reminds me to do my kegels.
Psycho #2
the title of his email is: "first date we eat biggie smalls"
(my dog's name is biggie smalls. not a good start, asshole.)
"Appetizer, prepared Buffalo wing
style, were gonna make soul food
out of your soul mate, and mate
in the wake of it.
I have 2 furry siblings who
provide the laugh track, no need
for your rabid rodent to intrude
on the lolz.
I was gonna compliment your
nose, the turn of it sits well
with me, but your eyeballs are
having a funny (fuzzy) impact on
my systolic pressure."
Okay. Where do i even begin? i wrote him back to let him know that although he probably meant this whole thing as a lighthearted, creative attempt to get my attention, the best way to a woman's heart is definitely NOT through cooking her dog. He wrote back "does this mean we can't mate? well, good luck fair buffalo slayer." what can i even add to that? not to mention that i checked his profile and his "two furry siblings" are cats. fucking cats. no offense to the cat lovers out there, but a single man with two cats? NAGL. just sayin.
in other news, i just realized i have followers! hi guys!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
sex with you is like having a monkey clinging to me humping away. just sayin.
so i had to talk to my ex last night. i always dread it because it's never a normal adult conversation, and the longer i spend away from him the more shocking his way of being is.
he owes me approximately q98347981347592834 dollars, and i only think it's fair that he at least pay back $4000 of it. once in a while, just for the fuck of it, i text him to ask him when he plans on paying me back. it's usually right after i've told someone the story of how we broke up and all the financial shit he pulled, and the person says holy SHIT that is fucked up, and then i realize that yes, it is totally fucked and i should text him just to see what he says.
so of course he writes back "what debt? what are you talking about?" like he has no idea. which is hilarious because it's basically been the topic of every argument we've had for the last year. so i explain the debt to him like he's five, which he is on the inside, and sort of on the outside too actually.
so then the text battle ensues, and then he calls me which is always a total shitshow. the call usually starts sort of civilly, and then he starts saying the most random things like "i shouldn't have to pay you back because i don't have time, i have a 2 hour commute everyday." that makes total sense, never mind. uhhh wtf??? so then i say, it's your choice to live with your parents in the Virginia countryside and work in DC. then he says "i don't have time, i have to talk to my army recruiter every day." oohhhh right, the army recruiter, you know, to re-enlist in the army that you went AWOL from. good call. So i say, "that's your choice as well, and really, how long does that take every day?" and then, the inevitable happens. he does this thing where he starts to list all the things that are going on in his life, and then he starts to yell the list, and by the end it's just him screaming a list of bullshit excuses in a fake boston accent into the phone. the list will also invariably include the fact that he thinks having a job you love doesn't constitute work (i worked fucking 15 hour days, 5 days a week the entire time we were together, but he doesn't think it was actual work because work is something you hate.)
so he's like "well also i have to lie to the army every day about having had melanoma so they will send me to iraq and also my dog died and also i have to sit with my dad while he cries about having lung cancer AND I HAVE TO WORK NOT THAT YOU'D KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE AND I HAVE TO HAVE DRINKS SOMETIMES AND I HAVE CLASSES AND FINALS AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CAR THAT I FUCKING HATE AND I HAVE TO HAVE MEETINGS AT THE RESTAURANT AND I HAVE TO DO IT ALL WITHOUT BLOWING MY FUCKING HEAD OFF SO NO, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PAY YOU BACK."
and his poisonous anger filled bullshit starts to seep into the phone and i can feel it toxifying my cells and i can literally feel stress chemicals begin to eat away at my insides and i realized why the fuck i kicked his pathetic ass to the curb in the first place, and instead of saying all the shit i want to say - the logical, normal shit that makes total sense - i just calmly tell him what a child he is and hang up the phone.
the bottom line is that all the money in the world isn't worth having to deal with an irresponsible childish pathetic alcoholic for the rest of my life, and i got off easy.
he owes me approximately q98347981347592834 dollars, and i only think it's fair that he at least pay back $4000 of it. once in a while, just for the fuck of it, i text him to ask him when he plans on paying me back. it's usually right after i've told someone the story of how we broke up and all the financial shit he pulled, and the person says holy SHIT that is fucked up, and then i realize that yes, it is totally fucked and i should text him just to see what he says.
so of course he writes back "what debt? what are you talking about?" like he has no idea. which is hilarious because it's basically been the topic of every argument we've had for the last year. so i explain the debt to him like he's five, which he is on the inside, and sort of on the outside too actually.
so then the text battle ensues, and then he calls me which is always a total shitshow. the call usually starts sort of civilly, and then he starts saying the most random things like "i shouldn't have to pay you back because i don't have time, i have a 2 hour commute everyday." that makes total sense, never mind. uhhh wtf??? so then i say, it's your choice to live with your parents in the Virginia countryside and work in DC. then he says "i don't have time, i have to talk to my army recruiter every day." oohhhh right, the army recruiter, you know, to re-enlist in the army that you went AWOL from. good call. So i say, "that's your choice as well, and really, how long does that take every day?" and then, the inevitable happens. he does this thing where he starts to list all the things that are going on in his life, and then he starts to yell the list, and by the end it's just him screaming a list of bullshit excuses in a fake boston accent into the phone. the list will also invariably include the fact that he thinks having a job you love doesn't constitute work (i worked fucking 15 hour days, 5 days a week the entire time we were together, but he doesn't think it was actual work because work is something you hate.)
so he's like "well also i have to lie to the army every day about having had melanoma so they will send me to iraq and also my dog died and also i have to sit with my dad while he cries about having lung cancer AND I HAVE TO WORK NOT THAT YOU'D KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE AND I HAVE TO HAVE DRINKS SOMETIMES AND I HAVE CLASSES AND FINALS AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CAR THAT I FUCKING HATE AND I HAVE TO HAVE MEETINGS AT THE RESTAURANT AND I HAVE TO DO IT ALL WITHOUT BLOWING MY FUCKING HEAD OFF SO NO, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PAY YOU BACK."
and his poisonous anger filled bullshit starts to seep into the phone and i can feel it toxifying my cells and i can literally feel stress chemicals begin to eat away at my insides and i realized why the fuck i kicked his pathetic ass to the curb in the first place, and instead of saying all the shit i want to say - the logical, normal shit that makes total sense - i just calmly tell him what a child he is and hang up the phone.
the bottom line is that all the money in the world isn't worth having to deal with an irresponsible childish pathetic alcoholic for the rest of my life, and i got off easy.
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