www.plentyofpsychos.com

So i caved to the pressure of my friends and joined plentyoffish.com. so far it has been a complete shitshow. some of the guys are probably not insane, but are totally boring. some of them are sad and make me sad and i can't really think about it for too long.

And then there's the dudes that are so motherfucking creepy and weird that i had to let ya'll in on the magic.

Psycho #1
(after he tells me how gorgeous I am and pretends he’s 34 even though he clearly looks 50.)
"The proposal is this:
If you are still waiting for Mr. Right, then, in the mean time, would you not want to spend magical time with this Mr. Right Now - who will stimulate your mind, raise your spirits, and pleasure your body skillfully and caringly?

If you find this proposal unwelcome, then please disregard this message with my apologies. I will not bother you again.

But….if this proposal intrigues you even a little – well then read on!!

When I arrive in the Bay area, I would like to take you out for the first of what will surely be many dates..…and on the menu: lively conversation, fine wine, exotic food and …

If all goes well and we have a good connection, then I envision us getting closer as the evening progresses and who knows – perhaps even a beautiful, erotic and satisfying night making love with the promises of many more. I am a lively companion and an interesting conversationalist. I am also a good kisser, am very skilled at giving pleasure in all different ways – including giving massages and oral. I am skilled at finding that elusive g-spot and if you like satisfying, deep and long lasting penetration, sign me up! (I can attest that those Kegels definitely work)!"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Save your dirtbag prostitution requests for craigslist casual encounters you narcissistic douchebag. I mean don't get me wrong, i like satisfying, deep and long lasting penetration as much as the next girl, but i definitely don't want it from some aging Bostonite in town on business who reminds me to do my kegels.

Psycho #2
the title of his email is: "first date we eat biggie smalls"
(my dog's name is biggie smalls. not a good start, asshole.)

"Appetizer, prepared Buffalo wing
style, were gonna make soul food
out of your soul mate, and mate
in the wake of it.

I have 2 furry siblings who
provide the laugh track, no need
for your rabid rodent to intrude
on the lolz.

I was gonna compliment your
nose, the turn of it sits well
with me, but your eyeballs are
having a funny (fuzzy) impact on
my systolic pressure."

Okay. Where do i even begin? i wrote him back to let him know that although he probably meant this whole thing as a lighthearted, creative attempt to get my attention, the best way to a woman's heart is definitely NOT through cooking her dog. He wrote back "does this mean we can't mate? well, good luck fair buffalo slayer." what can i even add to that? not to mention that i checked his profile and his "two furry siblings" are cats. fucking cats. no offense to the cat lovers out there, but a single man with two cats? NAGL. just sayin.



in other news, i just realized i have followers! hi guys!