hello compulsion my old friend.

oh god heart is breaking save kitty.

today at whole foods I was totally gripped with the urge to straighten every box on the shelf and container of juice and apple in the pile. No. not the urge. an urge is something different. The compulsion. the obsessive compulsion. Like I recognized the feeling in me from the days of small childhood that whispers to me that me something bad is going to happen if I don't carefully adjust things like the toilet paper tearing perfectly or the way a box of tea is on a shelf until I have a strong sense of the energy in the inanimate object aligning perfectly with the energy in the other inanimate object that it's aligning with.

i want to feel like everything is going to be okay but i don't today.

the other day it was pouring rain and i was sitting in the dj's car while he moved his rv to a new parking spot. the car headlights were shining directly on a homeless man sleeping under dirty blankets on cardboard in a doorway. cliche homeless guy. and his little shoe was sticking out of the doorway and getting rained on while his socked foot was dry and safe sticking out of the blankets under the overhang and i thought about him putting his dry foot in that soaking shoe and fuck! so heartbreaking! i should have pushed his shoe into the ledge but it would have been so invasive of his little area he created and i couldn't do it and then couldn't forgive myself after we drove away for not doing it and then cried and cried at the injustice of the world and how unfair it is and how sad it is that animals get killed in feedlots like they are soulless lumps of muscle when i can see clearly that they have thoughts and feelings and fears and souls, definitely souls. fuck. feeling farther away from things and sad and creeping depression. this is not me.