you know how when people say "it's just god's plan"? it's super annoying. it doesn't explain anything, it's just a way to feel better about the absolute shit you've been dealt. oh, it's for a reason. it's the universe just giving me what i need. whatever. i'm fucking sick of it.
i have lived such a solitary life. a life of solitude surrounded by friends and family and men. alone in the crowd is the story of my life. up all night as a child, alone in the woods, waiting for the sun to come up.
i have never had a partner in crime. never had parents to show me the world, saw it all on my own. "She'll be okay, she's a strong one." that's me. the strong one that can handle myself in any situation, in any place, all alone.
i've never had a man i connected with on a serious level. they are always situational. this one is good for bringing home to meet my dad, but i wouldn't want my friends to meet him. this one is good with my friends in san francisco, but only some of them, because the other ones would say he wasn't good enough. this one is fucking perfect, amazing, would take him anywhere...but oh, right, he's taken. this one is perfect in montana, to go snowboarding with and surfing with...but he'd get eaten alive in nyc. this one is perfect in the grimy hip hop club in DC, take his ghetto ass to soul camp everyweekend, but don't expect him to make sense at dinner with your canadian family eating with a knife his right hand and an upside down fork. and finally, in my happy place, buzz dc at 4 am rolling face in a club full of 4000 family members, i am alone alone alone, a third wheel and a 4001st wheel.
here i am again, outside looking in.
9 comments:
god i love you.
lets run away together
if it makes you feel any better, i know plenty of married folk who would chew their arm off for our freedom. i think most people are on the outside looking in, even with a partner.
i love you too, H Dubs. Move to San Francisco and be my foreign lover.
cranki, i don't want to be married, i just want someone, friend or man, who actually shares my interests. my whole life is compartmentalized and it gets incredibly lonely. so far i haven't found a man who can gap the weird and far reaching compartments. i'd be happy with someone who can at least bridge some of them. i'd even be happy with a friend or partner in crime at this point. living my life solitarily while surrounded by people is getting super exhausting.
i understand. i think i've been granted a reprieve from that kind of loneliness bc i live with my best friend. she's been there for a million years and knows me through and through, and since i don't sleep with her, i still like her! ;)
i'm not sure that a woman like you will ever find one man who be able to gap all your compartments, doll. men just aren't all that complicated.
yup. yup, yup, yup.
that is all.
oh and Cranki's comment above mine is on point.
I enjoy the company as it comes, and celebrate it's departure.
I feel strongly learning the topic, however I need to learn more on this topic.
Carry on your updates..!!
Regards
Tongkat Ali Root
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