you gave us cereal...in an ashtray

someday i will learn that if you put the kettle on the stove and walk away for an hour it will burn and possibly catch on fire. but today is not that day.

i want to capture snookie and give her restylane in her top lip. everything else is fake, why not the top lip? i guarantee she would look 100% better with a lil half CC of hyaluranic up in there.

(i also want to soak those fucking french tips right off. FUCK a french manicure.)

so the radio silence is over for now. i have good days and bad days. this, kids, is what we call an Emotional Rollercoaster. please strap yourself in because this bitch goes super fast and super high and super low. flying out of the EmoRo (like how i made that up off the top of my head? FUCK yeaaah) is the only thing worse that actually being on it. at least when you stay on the damn thing you eventually get to the end. when you fly off, you're totally fucked.

i'm going on total radio silence for a while.

past, present, future.

only one really exists, and yet lately i spend so much time thinking about the two that don't. recently i've been living everywhere in my head but right now. thinking about how things were, how they will never be(?), how they could be, how i want them to be. it's all bullshit. stories. tangents that are nothing but electricity in my brain. the only thing that is real are actions, and i need to spend less time thinking and more time doing.

live right now, that's all there is.

this is exactly how i feel about fucking marriage. liz taylor knows what's up.

and also, the only thing surprising about the Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon thing is that she is MARRIED TO THIS FUCKING GUY. really? REALLY? this guy? this dude must have fucking game for daaaaaaaays.

the past does not exist.

today i am getting a pedicure, going tanning, wearing a tracksuit and a wifebeater with no bra, getting a new blackberry and getting tore up.

fuuuuuuuuuuck it.

i am a fortunate homosexual man

fucking OF COURSE you are. the people who were surprised that ricky martin is gay are the same idiots who were shocked by the kate moss coke scandal. (i mean they are same same ones that even thought that was a scandal. come on ya'll, she's dating the grossest drug addict of the century and she's a fucking model. it would be news if she wasn't a cokehead.)

you all know my feelings on kanye west, but i have to say, nothing has made more sense lately than this song.



he may be a whiny narcissistic diva, but he hit that motherfuckin nail on the head with this joint. "i can't keep myself and still keep you too." say word.


and it wouldn't be right to end this without a photobooth pic because apparently that's how i roll.

also, did you guys know i had this?

i think i need some tylenol you got me restless

i got a chemical peel the other day, and the aesthetician (sp???) said she had to wait for a super important phone call and would i mind if she kept her phone on vibrate? i said no problem but doubted that anything she had to hear was that important. how long is a chemical peel? an hour? can't wait an hour, huh? fine. she said it was concerning some test results, which made me kind of interested from a completely voyeuristic (i can spell voyeuristic but not aesthetician? wtf?) standpoint, which in turn made it easier to not be annoyed that she was leaving her phone on. so she's scrubbing lactic acid into my neck and breathing softly on my face when her phone goes off and she grabs it and keeps scrubbing away. i can hear someone talking to her but no details - details! i need details! suddenly she's super excited and says "Oh my GOD THANK you!" and they keep talking all happily and it turns out she doesn't have cancer. she beat breast cancer once and it's not back AND she doesn't have the Braca gene so her daughter can worry a little less about getting cancer. wow. interesting to be involved in someone getting the best news of her life.

in other news, biggie smalls has a serious stomach virus and i'm up and down the stairs every five minutes so he doesn't shit all over the reclaimed barnwood office floor.

also i am in the worst shape of my life and have NO FUCKING ASS. i need to get my fitness game tightened up.

that is all.

uhhhh

WOAH

women lie men lie

this mystical city is actually san francisco and in all my years of flying into and out of it, i've never noticed the giant mountains rising from the mist back there. they must be new.

so far all i've managed to do today is take photobooth pictures and avoid doing any actual work. i had a full on panic attack yesterday and if i want to chill out and do not a damn thing all day i will. have you had an actual panic attack? no fucking bueno.


i immediately called to get refill on the x script, and then had to go to battle with my (woman) dr. Women either love me or hate me, and women doctors hate me every single time. it's insane. quit trying to be my fucking mother, write me the script for the one thing that makes my life bearable, take your kickback from Pfizer, and call it a day homegirl. yes, i know that people abuse this substance. i am not one of them. you want to meet an addict come through and meet my unemployed roommate who sits in his room all day eating tramadol and playing xbox.

biggie obviously adores taking photobooth pics with me. can't you feel the LOVE?

omg enough already. i promise i'll be back tomorrow with some actual fucking things that are interesting to read. xo.

do ya'll like how my blog is now just a bunch of photobooth pics of me at work? i know! me TOO! it's just that my actual life is too insane to write about. i'm back to censoring myself even on this totally anonymous blog that was started because i was sick of censoring myself. way to work out the logic, la dick.


so i ended up in the hospital this weekend, that was super fun. driving yourself to the hospital might be the loneliest thing ever. actually, no, driving yourself to an abortion clinic is probably worse holy shit now i'm sad thinking about that. fuck. anyway, i have a crazy pinched nerve in my back and it went nutso crazypants on me, and i had an allergic reaction to the medication i take for it that i've been taking for almost ten years. go figure. they gave me percocet and flexeril. awesome. having drugs is better than no drugs.



i just brought the absolute HEAT in an email to some douche bag clients that don't understand that if you change the scope of a project, you change the cost of the project. they are the same clients i wrote this about. they honestly had the nerve to say that they aren't a big corporation so they shouldn't have to pay for changes. don't hire a major design firm if you can't pay for it. would you tell your landlord that you can't pay your rent because you don't make enough money? no, you would not. you wouldn't rent the apartment in the first place. don't enter into agreements that you can't pay for. end of story.


yes, yes i do drink crystal light and skyy vodka at work. is it that obvious? oh, it was the giant red fratboy cup that gave it away? huh. don't worry, my boss knows. (i'm my boss.) (this post sucks.)


hahahahahahahahah fuck i had to post this photo even though it might be the most embarrassing pic of me EVER TAKEN. i was wondering if you wanted me to seduce you...it would look like this. are you IN? i thought so.

also, do you all read highwaisted? because you should. she is basically me, but canadian. and you guys like me, right????? great, then it's settled.

(this is where the most boring post of all time ends. riiiiiight HERE

happy bday darling!

you are the ONLY thing i like about St. Patrick's Day 2010.

is it possible to get computer poisoning? if so i definitely have it.

werkin

I AM

ON A

VERY IMPORTANT

PHONE CALL.

i was in SF again.

rollin in the nanny benz. (inside joke that no one who reads this blog will ever get.) (sorry, how boring.)


motherfucking BRUTUS! he is the most adorable thing of all time. that's really all there is to say about that.


smoked mad fucking weed, ate a ton of xanax, drank some wine, and kicked it in the kitchen with my homegirls. it was hailing, then raining, then sunny, then it got dark and we were too high to pay attention to the weather. the apartment was cold as fuck so we opened the oven and sat around it at the kitchen table. smokin. hood shit. came up with this nail joint - we call it The Patience, because sitting still for an hour while the dot dries is an excercise in self control if there ever was one. that is not how you spell excersise. neither is that. how the fuck do you spell that word. exercise. there it is. i hate kanye west and i hate the flashing lights song, but pandora killed it with the flashing lights radio that night. never been a more appropriate time for lil wayne, TI, dilated peoples, timbaland's production. ahhhhhhh fuck yeah.



i've been thinking lately about how much in general people base their own happiness on the energy and reactions they get from others in their lives, rather than just doing what makes them happy and seeing how that works out. i really hate it when i'm in a relationship and the dude i'm with is clearly basing his actions on how we are doing in the relationship. just be yourself and do your thing and we'll have no problems at all. or is that weird and heartless?



recovery red cup combo of the day: emergen-c, absolut, hailstorm, giant umbrella, black hoodie, (all day errryday,) ysl sunglasses (all day errryday) 24th and valencia street corner store.



write down what you REALLY want out of life. put it on paper. then work backwards and see what you need to do to make it happen. sometimes just seeing it on paper makes you realize you don't actually want it at all. sometimes it makes you realize how fucking much you want it. NEED it. sometimes you have no idea what the fuck to put on the paper. hello, my life.

RIP, KING OF NEW YORK

WHATTTTT???

do ya'll KNOW about this???

what you know about mind sex?

my parents divorced when i was young, and my dad has been married four times (don't get me wrong, each time he was hoping she was the "one," but he wasn't willing to settle and be unhappy once he realized that things weren't working and never would.) i'm assuming that has been a huge subconscious influence on me, but honestly i actively discovered the fact that humans are not monogamous on my own.

in college i had the epiphany that no matter what i wanted, or how i tried to control a situation, the other person involved was going to do WHATEVER THE FUCK they wanted. bottom line. we all just do what we want and it's easier to come to terms with that fact and let go of jealousy, neediness, and control. when i made the conscious decision to just LET GO of everything and do what makes me happy, it was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes and i felt a thousand pounds lighter. i wish everyone could let go like this; we'd all be so much happier.

the flipside to this is that when i date guys they end up thinking i'm a detached ice queen with no feelings. i have feelings! i have a huge heart that i want to share! i just don't have the negative poisonous cancerous feelings that make me and the dude feel miserable. so i guess it's a catch 22, you either get to seem like a guarded bitch who doesn't care about anything, or you can be unhappy. i choose guarded bitch, because someday i will find someone who understands that completely.

and i definitely think that coming from a home with happily married parents skews one's opinion toward the till-death type of relationship. but i think honestly, if we are REALLY HONEST with ourselves, even happily married people have their secrets.

thanks to my soul sister highwaisted for the conversation.

the world is insane.

i've been a little blown away by relationships lately. is anyone telling the truth to anyone about anything anywhere? i haven't been part of any personal lying, and haven't done any personal lying, but it seems that everywhere i look, things are not what they seem. every married couple around me is secretly unhappy. every song i hear is about cheating, broken hearts, lost love, new exciting love, secret undercover love, and of course being crazy in love. bitches are jealous because their men ARE cheating. men are suspicious because their women ARE giving the sexy side eye to other dudes. i guess the thing that makes no sense to me is the fact that true human nature seems to be non-monogamous. humans can only learn so much from one person. things change, feelings change, energy dies, things wither. there is nothing wrong with this. yet our society only accepts the concept of the monogamous pair bond until death do us part, and if you choose to leave someone you are considered the bad guy. WHY is the heartbreaker considered the asshole? why is it bad to want to be happy, to refuse to accept the status quo? why is it considered more noble to tough it out with someone you hate or are completely bored or unfulfilled by than to leave and explore something new? is it religion's fault? is it human nature to want to be free but also to be possessive?

sorry guys, i'm just looking at some things around me and my mind is blown. it just seems so counter intuitive to me that we refuse to embrace the fact that people are fundamentally drawn to more than one person. thoughts?

sometimes i feel like i'm going to explode

I'm part of too many things. my mind is in too many places, places i've been and places i currently am. Part of the seedy meth smoking SF underground, part of the professional snowboard dream, part of a quiet but entrancing ski town, part of hip hop, part of the DC rave scene, part of a well known canadian oil family, part of a puerto rican gang, part of a domino playing drug enterprise, part of a hippie commune, part of a zen buddhist family, part of a rich dysfunctional irish catholic family, part of an elegant italian family that talks about the Old Country and the Evil Eye, part of plastic scottsdale bullshit, part of the complacent northern virginia suburbs, part of the new york city fashion industry, and part of a hard working east coast family with a harley riding dad and a mom who abandoned ship to pursue her masters degree. Sometimes I don't know what to follow and sometimes I don't know what state I'm in. Sometimes it's true that I want to shut it all out. Sometimes it's true that I believe life is what you make it. Maybe a person can only take so many lives in one lifetime.

i'm 99.9% sure i just survived SARS. More later.

the grammys...yawn...

remember when this was riske?

that's more fabric than lady gaga has ever had on her body at one time. and speaking of lada gaga, i say NO to her first dress and okay, fine, to her second. the tube dress is just ridiculous and reminds me of an old episode of Dr. Who. But it's the fucking yellow hair that really gets me. HELLZ NO. gross. and the pink trannystick and dark eyes do not belong together. one or the other, please. the weird spiky accessory is fine with me. it looks interesting in the photos and you can always spike kanye with it if he gets too close to your mike while you're onstage, so i'm down.

and what's up with beyonce and the ice skater mermaid dresses at every fucking occasion (you can be a shorty in my ill convoy: step up, hova)? it's been years, beyonce. get a new look.


i know this is a lot of shit talking. hooray for everyone and their own form of self expression.

so friday night i went out with my homegirl to a trashy dive bar. i don't know why we chose this particular joint. there's a stripper pole on top of a pool table and the trashy bitches there mob it and grind all over it and each other like 16 year old prositutes at a Rosarita whorehouse (i ended up in one of those once, i know what i'm talking about.) (it was not on purpose.)

anyway so then i'm dancing with/next to/no actual contact some young dude with good style but no real game, and his trashy stripper pole grinding ex girlfriend jumps off the pool table and comes up and pushes me out of the way and tells this dude they "need to talk, right now, this is bullshit" so they go outside and all of a sudden there's a huge commotion and the bitch is running to his car to smash his windows in and all her trashy girls are running behind her with muffin tops bouncing in the streetlights and he runs after them to protect his car and his friends are laughing hysterically and i'm wondering why the fuck i even leave the house.

he comes back inside to tell me what went down and i say hold on, i'll be right back, and go home. drama is the last thing i'm into right now.


the next day i woke up with crazy hangover anxiety even though i wasn't drunk. i took a xanax, emergen-C, ionic fizz, ibuprofen and pineapple juice cocktail and went back to bed. why is it that four drinks make me totally worthless the next day?

i didn't leave the bed ALL DAY, except for my 12:30 nail appointment and to take biggie smalls outside. it honestly felt so damn good to just chill and watch CSI (las vegas, duh) episodes online and ignore the phone. i did turn down a sex toy party which would have probably been hilarious and interesting, but that's really not my style anyway, especially when i'm too anxious to even have a conversation with my closest friends. i can't imagine a more awkward situation actually, full on anxiety retardation while trying to socialize with strangers and vibrators? NAGL.


so that's my weekend. how was yours?

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

you can give a bitch $500K a year in alimony but you can't buy her class.

i am a huge fan of fashion risk takers.

despite my best efforts i love lindsay's leggings-as-pants wearing ass. i heart rihanna and every pointy neon nail and rooster hair she's ever rocked. i love lady gaga and her crazy latex and Alexander McQueen outfits...wait a minute! latex and AMcQ shoes? didn't we see this already? we did! it was in the ENTIRE bad romance video. funny how kelis talks so much shit about bitches swagger jacking her shit, when in reality she's a camel toe having knock off of an entire video. she needs to leave the fashion risk taking to the experts and work on defrosting her animal hating heart.

i want i want i want

awwwww i love this. although mine should say 1mg. or at least 0.5. thanks to the HBIC chloe!

awww

ice and coco forevs!!!
pic via coco's twitter @cocosworld

hello xanax hello nail polish hello bang cutting hello haze hello nosejob someday? probably not.

YES!!!

finally! i can only go so long without this shit.



meatball or sausage? and pick up all that shit. if you ever wondered who my ex-husbands mom was, here you go. (just switch up jersey for south boston.) (she really was great.) (until we broke up.)

michael lives!

why, kim, why??? biggie is rolling in his grave right now, rest his soul.

shhhhh

sometimes i worry that i'm actually retarded but no one has the heart to tell me.

when i was in grade school there was a mentally retarded girl that i always stood up for. people picked on her a lot and i always felt super bad. once i ran into her in the hallway - she got her period for the first time in class and the teacher sent her alone to the office. it always made me feel bad that no one even walked her down to the nurse...there she was in the hallway alone with a giant bloodstain on her jeans. i'll never forget it.

anyway, one time i was standing in a group of people who were sort of interrogating her the way that only mobs of schoolchildren can, and someone asked her if she knew she was retarded. she leaned in really close to the half circle of interrogators and said in a loud whisper "Yes, but SHH, i don't want anyone to know."

good lord did my heart break at that moment.